I had grown to have a sense of what I would really enjoy doing with whatever time I had left of this life and was aiming toward it. This has deeply and profoundly shifted, quietly, slowly, unnoticeable. I have shifted. Well whatever ‘I’ is. Previously there were thoughts of travelling the world vastly, it’s not that I do not wish to experience some of this but not as much as I had been planning. It’s no longer the big part of the story. I still have a call but only for specific trips and still in the fashion I had planned. It will still be for the purposes of exploring what it means to be human but I no longer feel wanderlust nor a need for it. I have no need to discover ‘myself’ elsewhere but inside. In this last year, as mentioned in my own lockdown story post, it has been an inner retreat of sorts and I have come to know the habits, tendencies and story of my life and being profoundly. I choose being. Any trip will be planned with purposeful specific existential exploration. I care less about the sights, the feel, the thrill, the novelty, the adventure. the self discovery, the doing and more about learning within what is going on as there is experiencing. I have moved more towards simply being, just being, whilst having gentle curiosity of the story of the experience. Interest very much still in how people make sense of their lives and their circumstances, a call to interview and explore how they have arrived where they are and of course continuing to support the human choir of voices singing their stories, their hearts where it matters for better wellbeing. Recognising interconnectedness and our shared humanity.
I am enjoying listening to singing and feeling the sharedness of human community in heart and spirit in the most soft loving wonderful way. It lifts the heart and sense of a shared consciousness. Seeing and sensing beyond the confines of self into something else, which is for now unfathomable. Just beautiful and heart moving.
Being more mindful noting, noticing integrating and hopefully growing more healthily, freeing from the habitual norms that have chained me to poor mental health. To repetitive unhelpful feeling and thinking taking me further and further away from a truer nature that I have found lives inside. I choose this now. I choose what feels harmoniously healthy for this being, this life, this story. Not living for others but rather with others whilst protecting the energy I find within that guides the path. When all is said and done this is all we take with us when we die. It is the seeds we take into the beyond, aware of not. This I have learned very much in this last 15 months after two major bereavements of a much loved sister and a parent. Helping and respecting people where necessary whilst maintaining the energy that feels right and in harmony within this being I call ‘Stacie’. In her truths, right or wrong it doesn’t matter as long as the intention is pure and the result is good well-being and good intention towards others.
Travelling my home country more often is something I’m also more drawn to. Feeling that connection with the story in which I find myself and the roots of ancestors. Here, in Ireland and one other place. (Thankfully my Nana has researched most of this, I thank her from the bottom of my heart). Connecting with heritage and the story of the environment into which I was born will be the main journey outside of specific journalistic purposeful oversees travel, and again most importantly to the quiet spots for reflection and integration. Content in heart. Deeply seeing clearer the seeds of this life story and whatever may be next.
In between however there is a stronger energetic calling for going deeper inside, deeper into whatever mind is and quieting in there. No need nor feel for anything else. Just quieting, integrating. A quiet integrating nomad I suppose not that I want to really define anything with a label but for the want of this post and explaining the plot twist this shall do. Letting go, becoming less solid in identity whilst needing understanding for how ‘I’ came to be in this story that is the life experienced today.
Creating artwork from both realities, inside and perception of what feels outside (you). Then from what may exist beyond the confines of inside and out from the container that holds all of this experiencing. I can sense the depth and the need to let go of all that I think exists and what I think that means. Exploring this ‘I’ and ‘me’ I keep calling ‘myself’ whilst also the sense of ‘you’ and whatever is perceived from within that creates this. (Well as far as limited perception and experience will allow). I no longer feel an allure or attraction for the extraordinary, for discovering myself nor for the sensory seeking (on the most part as equally there is living and being human we forget, things manifest, but at the very least applying awareness as to what is happening in each moment).
There is a calling within to know the raw, the honesty the underneath and equally the overview simultaneously. I can’t find a language that best describes it it is almost a quiet secret. The ordinary that is typically unseen. The honesty, the meaningless of everything other than what we attach to it. The journey instead being this now and not what it was to be previously.
Fundamentally this entity that is called ‘me’ ‘I’ ‘Stacie’ has changed so far from the being that it was even a year/ six months ago. But somehow I know the seeds were there, visible in brief moments. The calling within is taking me now on a different journey. The wheel has turned. Energetically everything has changed. It’s an instinct pulling deeper into a quieter place. Life calling to express itself differently. The beingness of this soul or consciousness, striping away the layers of nonsense. What mattered once no longer matters and hasn’t for a long time. It has been coming for years, like a bird birthing with each small cracking of the egg. Now I see. So much shift, like a cooking lobster so subtle and having already happened before any awareness was possible. The lobster already passed into another reality. I am now in an (albeit subtly) shifted place. All may still seem the same, my eyes see the same, I still have the same basic fundamental make up and history but my being, life force, chi, flow, subtle energy, motivation (whatever name you wish to give to it) has changed and it feels okay, right, in harmony with …whatever. This may all seem vague and it may continue to be but I trust the artwork that arises will begin to speak from the language of this place/ space itself. Gently, lovingly and quietly.